QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 14

Catching up from last night…

• NBC was barreling through the women’s Figure Skating Free Skate—not a lot of video packages—which does not bode well for the US team. The Peacock would be generating more buzz if they were going to win.
• We got a final video before the top six skated, then a lot of stats from Andrea Joyce—place your bets, folks!
• Lipnitskaya went down again. Bezic quote: “She casts a spell”.
• Kostner skated clean. Hamilton quote: “She makes the ice look very small when she’s on it”.
• Sotnikova mostly skated clean. Hamilton: “She's like a cash register—she keeps ringing it up”. Again with the rhythmic clapping from the audience…
• Gracie Gold goes down. Bezic: “...classic style that doesn’t need adornment”. No gold for Gold.
• Wagner skated clean. Hamilton: “She is just PERFORMING!”
• Kim skated clean. Bezic: “A performance for the ages!”
• …and the winner is—Sotnikova!! Proving that complexity beats artistry.
• Prime time finishes up with a multi-minute ad for “The Voice”. Huh?

Onto Friday’s coverage…

• Could they make the Biathlon Relay more complicated? 4 skiers per team, each skis 3 laps, you get 5 bullets in the magazine for 5 targets in prone and standing positions, but you get three more bullets that must be hand loaded, except on a Tuesday at night, aces are wild, no backsies…
• In prime time, Costas goes off on Putin’s rule in an editorial—I guess we’re close enough to the finish line that NBC feels safe in attacking their hosts.
• A phrase we’ve gotten sick of, referring to the lousy weather conditions—“sugary snow”.
• Hey Johnny Weir—did you get that bow tie from the Soupy Sales collection?
• NBC spent about 30 minutes hyping Mikaela Shiffrin’s second slalom skiing run—we heard “Mikaela's run coming up” over and over. Do you think she won?  Hmmm….

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 13

I’m falling farther and farther behind—let’s see what we can get through.

• Extreme facial closeups, the coaches are miked, there’s a hush in the arena—must be time for the top women in Figure Skating.
• (In my best Howard Cosell) Down goes Lipnitskaya! Down goes Lipnitskaya! We’ll see if she can come back in the Free Skate.
• Ashley Wagner—the only US skater who didn’t get an intro package—had some problems, but didn’t generate a meme-worthy face this time.
• In the late show, Nancy Kerrigan is wheeled in to give some post-game analysis.
• Parallel Giant Slalom?  OK—now you’re just picking sport terms out of a hat.

Onto Thursday’s coverage…

• Hockey is well suited to DVR-viewing (at least for me). Fast-forward, watch the score at the upper left, then back it up when it changes to see the goal. I got through Canadian women's win over the US in about 10 minutes.
• Ski Snowcross—because Snowboard Cross is too safe. I say we up the stakes—have them juggle chainsaws while they do it—blindfolded!

More to come, including the finale of women’s Figure Skating. Get ready for kissing and crying.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 12

Catching up from last night…

• I wouldn’t say the weather in Sochi was lousy, but they’re using umbrellas on the ski lifts.
• Yet another “new” sport created by merging two existing ones—it’s Ski Halfpipe!
• We’re getting more teasers for women’s Figure Skating. First, Ryan Seacrest (who apparently didn’t have anything else to do), introduced Korean skater Una Kim, who is the biggest celebrity in her country.
• Second, they brought in Tara Lipinski and Johhny Weir, the buzzy couple from NBCSN morning coverage, to preview the competition with Costas. Keep in mind this was still a day before the event—brace yourself, folks.
• We get Davis and White getting their Ice Dancing gold medals to finish out the night. What—no shot of the “Moms”????

Moving onto Wednesday…

• Let the women’s figure skating profiles continue! Of course, the Peacock concentrates on the UDS team --Carillo with Polina Edmunds, Ohno with Gracie Gold, with a second Edmunds video before her performance. Is this a sign that Ashley Wagner had problems? NBC tends to telegraph such things via these video packages—they only want to concentrate on winners.

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 11

Catching up from last night…

• Enough with the Canadian and US Ice Dancing partners training together! Get on with it!
• In late night, the US didn’t make the finals of Team Ski Jumping—hey, come back viewers!

Onto Tuesday’s coverage...

• The weather continues to cause havoc with the schedule and performances. One official tried to put a positive spin on it. Sixty degrees + Artificial snow + rain = great skiing conditions??
• 10000m Speed Skating isn’t the most riveting event to watch—the commentators spent about five minutes discussing if a competitor went over foul line or not. The DVR becomes your friend.
• Good to see Costas back again—although his eyes were looking a bit more red...
• As if Snowboard Cross isn’t difficult enough, now they have to do it in the rain?? It’s also a bit difficult for the viewer to keep everyone straight during the race.
• We're starting to get teases for women's Figure Skating, the marquis event of Winter QISE--they showed a few minutes of practice tonight, along with what will be MANY taped packages

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 10

Catching up from last night…

• I realized why I’m enjoying Ice Dancing more than the Pair’s Skate. The former is (mostly) artistry, while the latter is artistry broken up with athletic jumps. 
• I am getting tired of NBC showing the same preview packages over and over. Yes, we know about Davis and White's “Moms”. Not paying your editors enough?

Onto Monday’s coverage…

• A lot of the outdoor sports were delayed due to fog. Tell me again why a subtropical location was a good choice for a Winter QISE?
• As prime time begins—Costas is back! Woo-hoo!! His eyes look better, although he’s still wearing the Harry Potter glasses.
• I was setting up the DVR for this week’s QISE coverage, and I noted that the other networks have basically given up during QISE—showing a LOT of reruns. Keep in mind we’re in February “sweeps”, when ad rates are set. Normally, the networks would be all new during February. Based on this, I’m surprised the QISE ratings aren’t as high as expected. Maybe it’s the Costas factor?
• As I watched the bobsled competition, I had another brainstorm for a new event: Four Men Bobsledshop Quartet. The competitors have to be fast AND in harmony. You could even get an NBC synergy—get “The Voice" judges involved! 
• Really, NBC? You’re going to air a “feature length” documentary about the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding debacle?? I’d rather see more Curling. Even Costas called it “rain delay theater”.
  

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 9

Catching up from last night…

• US Speed Skaters are making a lot of excuses for their poor performance so far, mostly accusing the new suits they unveiled at QISE—to the point they went back to their older suits last night. Not the best advertisement for Under Armour, the creator of the new suits.
• Vieira interviewed former QISE skaters Tara Lipinski and Johhny Weir—most of the talk was about fashion—hmmm...
• Finally, in late night coverage—CURLING!! Woo-hoo!

Onto Sunday’s coverage…

• NBC is desperately trying to turn yesterday’s hockey match into “Miracle on Ice II—Electric Bugaloo”.  I don’t think so. A bunch of NHL players on the US team took on another bunch of NHL players on the Russian team—that’s it. DO YOU BELIEVE IN A THINLY VEILED ALL-STAR GAME??—YES!!
• Uh-oh…another Tom Brokaw piece. At least this one is related to QISE—Louis Zamparini, 1936 QISE runner and war hero. However, it looks more like an ad for upcoming film “Unbroken”, which just happens to be produced by Universal—got a little synergy going on, NBC? 
• As we go into prime time, Lauer’s back at the Fortress. I guess NBC could only stand so much Meredith.
• Snowboardcross is the NASCAR of snow events—it’s a good idea to be in front to avoid crashes.
• Mindy and I have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for a while—so this is the first time I’m really paying attention to Ice Dancing.
• We saw an actual, unrehearsed moment from Bode Miller tonight as he broke down after getting the bronze.

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 8

A long weekend of QISE begins…

• Caught the end of the Men’s Figure Skating event. As skating becomes more athletic with more difficult jumps, scoring tends to be based on who fell the least times. After rookie Yuzuru Hanyu of Japan won the gold despite falling twice, commentator Scott Hamilton was apoplectic—he just about broke into tears.
• Considering that 99% of the coverage is on tape, it is rude for the Peacock to run late each night. They have absolute control over the schedule and how things are edited—just cut out a few replays. It’s basically a “screw you” to DVR users.
• NBC gets yet another ready-made backstory, this time from Short-Track Speed Skater Emily Scott. Her mother’s in jail (again), her dad works multiple jobs, she’s forced to use food stamps and crowdfunding after the US QISE Committee cuts her stipend—then her dad spends 86 hours getting to Sochi to see his daughter on the ice.
• I’m sure the athletes in sports not covered by NBC were happy that Tom Brokaw got a half hour slot to talk about the Space Race with the USSR.  If only NBC had a four hour morning show five days a week where this could have been aired...
• You know what’s less interesting than watching a hockey game in prime time? Watching a hockey game that a) was already shown on NBC Sports Network this morning and b) was already called by NBC on the Today Show and the QISE afternoon show. The Peacock is desperate for another “Miracle on Ice”, and this wasn’t it. In any case, I could have told you the US would win once I heard who was defending the Russian goal in the shootout—the goalie from the Columbus Blue Jackets.

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 7

Finishing up week one…

• It’s difficult to generate gravitas in a brand new sport like Slopestyle. “This is the first time we’ve seen this move in the history of this competition!!” You mean since the last commercial when you introduced the event?
• The Peacock did a masterful job milking every drop of melodrama out of Evgani Plushenko’s abrupt withdrawal from Men’s Figure Skating. Showing him warming up, then a package about how much pressure was on him, then back to the ice and seeing him grimace. Plushenko cooperated by waiting until the last second to drop out. It’s amazing what you can manufacture with a 12 hour tape delay.
• Speaking of Figure Skating—Tom Hammond reminds me of old style newsreel announcers. His response when Jason Brown got up after a crash then completed his performance—“The fans appreciate his moxie!” Oh, and a hearty 23-skidoo to you!
• What’s the difference between Slopestyle and Aerials?  Aerials only has a single jump, so the rotation in the air has to be very impressive. It’s really more like diving in the summer games, with rigid rules and scoring.
• As prime time begins—Meredith Vieira, you’re up at the Fortress! Lauer is pulled after doing double duty in the morning and evening—good effort. Costas is still listed as day to day.
• NBC lucks out with a ready-made “adversity to victory” story from US Skeleton racer Noelle Pikus-Pace. Wife and mother, rising star, injured in freak accident, fights her way back, retires, then comes back again to get the silver. You couldn’t write this stuff.
• You know that NBC is worried they are losing viewers when you see “<more exciting event> in 7 minutes” at the corner of the screen.

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 6

I missed taping the afternoon show, so this will be an abbreviated post.

• Tina Maze, co-winner of the gold in Downhill Skiing, is the #1 celebrity in her home country of Slovenia. She’s a pop star and model—imagine Beyonce was also a QISE gold medalist.
• Lauer in the anchor chair at the Fortress yet again—Costas, where art thou?
• With bright colors and skin tight design, speed skating uniforms are more like futuristic superhero costumes
• I have been very disappointed in the Peacock’s graphics package—it’s basically the same stuff from the last two or three games. Step it up, NBC!
• If you think Luge is too boring, try Skeleton—riding on your stomach, face first. The races are so fast, the commentators barely have time to go over each athlete’s backstory.
• “Slopestyle”? C’mon, International QISE Committee--just rename the entire event the X-QISE and be done with it.

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 5

Catching up from last night—

• The commentator referred to the condition of the Halfpipe as “Slushy Flatbottom”. That was the name of my bluegrass band in college!
• What’s that sound, Shaun White? That’s the sound of your endorsements being cancelled.

Moving onto today’s coverage—

• The afternoon show covered Nordic Combined, which involves ski jumping and cross country skiing. The International QISE Committee seems to like combining existing sports, rather than coming up with new ones.
• May I suggest “Jumpstyle”—ski jumping with EXTREME tricks. Considering how long they are in the air, you could soon hear this commentary: “He’s going to try the “3960 Button-fly McFlurry—that’s 11 complete rotations—and he’s done it!!”
• During a ski jump, a commentator noted that the suit is supposed to fit tightly to avoid getting an aerodynamic advantage, and saw an issue with one of the skiers—“his crotch, frankly, seemed pretty low”. Don’t take that statement out of context, please.
• Most embarrassing event in QISE so far? Afternoon host Lester Holt comparing dance moves with US Luger Kate Hansen. It’s like your drunk uncle at a wedding.
• Lauer continued hosting prime time at the Fortress of Solitude. Meh.
• We’re seeing a trend of “old timers” trying to extend their careers and failing—namely, Shaun White and Shani Davis. It’s also a loss to the Peacock, as they miss two opportunities to push a storyline.
• Best QISE commercial so far—“Time to take a Charmin break”, which consisted of a Zamboni running over an ice rink and a 60 second countdown. Classy!

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 4

The Today show managed to squeeze a non-spoiler into their 4 hour show—Costas is being pulled tonight from prime time coverage due to his eye infection, and Matt Lauer is coming in to relieve him.  On to the games!

• We have another new sport—“Ski Slopestyle”. Seems like a mouthful. Since the International QISE Committee is making up names anyway, how about “skistyle”? You’re welcome.
• Speaking of mouthful—the luge track is called the “Sanki Sliding Center” (technically, it’s Sliding Center Sanki). I hope no one involving is selling seashells by the seashore...
• So, Lauer stepped into the anchor chair at the Fortress of Solitude as prime time began. He doesn’t have Costas’ gravitas, and is better suited to morning happy talk.
• The short program for figure skating were originally based on very specific patterns—everyone did the same moves in the same way. As TV networks gained more control over QISE, that went out the window—now we just see short performances that look a lot like their final (longer) programs.
• The sub-tropical location of Sochi is—shockingly—creating issues with the snow. The Halfpipe is a prime example—it’s hard to “shred” in slush.
• The Peacock is doing a lame attempt at synergy with the Sochi QISE and the upcoming Captain America movie (which has the subtitle “The Winter Soldier”).  It really doesn’t work.

More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 3

We start out bright and early….

• ...when Matt Lauer broke the self-imposed Peacock rule—No Spoilers.
• He announced that Julia Mancuso was the winner of an event within the first 10 seconds of the Today show, 14 hours before the event would actually be broadcast. Thanks NBC—I can skip watching that tonight.
• Luge is a sport where you do 99% of the work at the start, and the rest is basically gravity. It’s the Pinewood Derby of winter sports.
• Mogul Skiing is the preferred sport for chiropractors. I would think that athletes in this sport are in wheelchairs by age 40.
• You know curling is boring when they spend more time on the wacky pants the “athletes” wear than the actual competition.
• Mogul skier Alex Bilodeau has a readymade “up close and personal story” designed to tear at the heartstrings—a brother with cerebral palsy—who ends up winning Canada’s first gold medal in Vancouver.
• Short track skating, especially at the longer distances, looks ridiculous. They all skate like senior citizens until the very end of the race, when it’s a frantic dash for the finish. Apollo Anton Ohno does a good job in front of the mike, though.

 More to come.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 2

The first Sunday of the games…

• We begin with more of the “skiathlon” (silly name). There’s a point in the race where the athletes swap their skis—it’s rather like a pit stop in auto racing, and the announcers treat it as such.
• It’s been interesting to watch Hannah Kearney’s evolving response after winning what the Simpsons referred to as “shameful bronze”. She was clearly devastated when it happened (she was the reigning champion), but now she’s much more grateful. Did the QISE Committee reach out and warn her not to be such a downer?
• Costas’ eye isn’t looking much better tonight—perhaps some of the Kryptonian knowledge crystals behind him can provide a medical miracle.
• Ski jumping has been refined to the point that an “agony of defeat” moment is looking less unlikely.
• Usually, “local color” packages are rather meh—but Mary Carillo’s work is always interesting and funny. Tonight, she was off to Siberia.
• It used to be that you immediately knew how someone did in a scored event—did they get a 10 or not?  Now, you need the commentators to translate what 129.43 means.

Well, I’m wiped. More tomorrow.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 1

The first “true” day of competition…

• Al Michaels takes over Fortress of Solitude duty for the afternoon
• “Skiathlon"? Really? There must be some ad agency generating random words, and the International QISE Committee creates sports to fit.
• As always, speed skating outfits leave little to the imagination. Sport clothing firms bring in aerospace firms to help reduce friction and drag.
• Biathlon = skiing and shooting = event for secret agents
• As the evening festivities begin, even Costas refers to the main studio as Superman’s icy fortress—called it!
• Ah, Ice Dancing—the red-headed stepchild of the skating world. The bad reputation is the result of a history of rigged judging, which is (supposedly) no longer the case.
• What is the compulsion of the crowd to clap along with the beat of skating music? You know it’s probably throwing off the skaters, right?
• We then go back to Slopestyle, brought to you by Monster Energy Drink and Axe Body Spray—EXTREME! COWABUNGA! C’mon kids—watch the QISE!
• The team figure skating event gives NBC more chances to manufacture the next “America’s Sweetheart” in Ladies’ Skating. Just put together an artsy “up close and personal” segment, add some breathless competition commentary, and you’re set—as long as the athlete comes through.

Tomorrow—the men’s downhill and more team skating.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day 0

…and we’re off, starting with a cinematic ode to Mother Russia, and segueing into an overblown introduction to the Winter QISE.

We then cut to the Fortress of Solitude for Costas and his benediction, with a handoff to Lauer, Vieira, and a Russian ringer at the stadium who vamp until the opening ceremonies begin. Oh, and Obama drops by. I guess presiding at major sporting events has become a part of Presidential duties.

Enough with the preliminaries—let the games begin!

• Mindy proclaimed the USA's outfits as “the worst ugly Christmas sweaters ever”
• Ugh—another dreamlike ceremony seen through the eyes of a young girl?  It’s been done.
• The giant snowflakes turning into the QISE rings—oh well, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad
• I’m impressed with the giant video display showing each country’s map during the athletes’ entrance. The futuristic ladies with the countries’ names? Not so much.
• If you’re going to hold an opening ceremony, you’ve got to have giant props and Cirque du Soleil dancers
• Nothing says QISE like dancers dressed as sea anemones
• Hey announcers—maybe you could explain who some of the famous Russians carrying the QISE flag are?
• 3+ hours later—we have a lit cauldron!

 Next—the games begin in earnest.

QISE Review - Winter Edition - Day Negative 1

Why Day Negative 1? Because the opening ceremony is traditionally considered to be QISE Day 0, but events are inexplicably being held the day before.

First off, I heard this morning that Bob Costas is NOT going to anchor the opening ceremony on Friday. Not sure if that’s his call, or he has lost some support from the Peacock. Either way, I’m a bit disappointed, because he’s the only host willing to be sarcastic about it. The rest treat it like a parade, just reading the teleprompter—it’s Hooray for Everything!

Second, let’s get the time delay issue out of the way. Sochi is 9 hours off US eastern time, 12 hours off Pacific time. If you just spent billions getting QISE rights, as the Peacock did, would you show the marquis events live in the morning? If course not. If you can’t wait (and you happen to have cable or satellite), and don’t have a job, you can see most everything live on their website.

On to the evening’s festivities:

• Is Costas in the Peacock studio, or the Fortress of Solitude?  Got a lot of glass and crystal going on here, not the normal faux-ski chalet look. I’m expecting Marlon Brando in day-glow white to drop by any minute.
• The inclusion of “Slopestyle” (which my spellchecker wanted to name “slop style”) makes it clear that the International QISE Committee is going to imitate the X-Games anywhere they can. It’s EXTREEEMMME! It’s also very dangerous, to the point where changes were made to the course at the last minute.
• I noticed Sochi’s slogan on the ski course—“Hot. Cool. Yours.” What does it mean? I have no idea—I think something is lost in translation.
• I’m glad (and a little surprised) that the anti-gay issues in Russia were mentioned, if only briefly.
• The new “Team Figure Skating” competition is like Hamburger Helper—a way to spread out a popular (and highly rated) event further.

Coming up next—the hysteria of the opening ceremony...

Quadrennial International Sporting Event (QISE) Review - Winter Edition

For the next two a a half weeks, I will once again cover the Quadrennial International Sporting Event (don’t want to get sued for using the O-word).

I’m not a big sports fan, but QISE is an exception—not so much for the actual competition, but as a news / media / marketing / merchandizing event. (If you’re interested in the actual results, this is NOT the place to go). The opening/closing ceremonies, the swelling music, the histrionics, the hyperbole, the overblown graphics—that’s my sweet spot. I’ve been glued to QISE coverage since I was a kid.

I’m still a cord-cutter, and I’m not making the mistake I made last QISE to sign up for cable—just the Peacock coverage, along with what I can find online.

We’re already seeing a lot of QISE commercials—not just promos, but athletes hawking various products. The whole concept of amateur athletes has fallen by the wayside. It’s a far cry from Jim Thorpe, who had his medals pulled for making $877 (in today’s dollars) a week playing “professional” baseball in 1909-10, although the International QISE Committee reinstated them posthumously in 1983. Today, it’s estimated that Shaun White is worth $20M.

Tomorrow—the the games begin!

Star Trek DS9: Wrapping Up Season Five

Time travel, the Maquis’ last hurrah, a 90’s-style thriller, a wacky bottle show, and a war begins to finish off the fifth season of DS9.

• It’s “back to the future” in “Children of Time”. Stay with me—the Defiant discovers a planet inhabited by their descendants! The ship will be thrown back in time and crash, leaving the a small settlement that lasts until the 24th century, including a small group of quasi-Klingons who worship Worf. Oh—and the Odo from the settlement declares his love for Kira, who’s going to die due to more technobabble if they don’t escape. It turns out the settlement’s leader (a Dax descendant) wants them to crash, so the settlement will exist. After a lot of speechifying and farming, they decide they can’t kill the settlement, and agree to follow fate and go back in time. However, the flight plan changes, and they escape—due to the older Odo, who wanted Kira to live. The two Odo’s linked, so our Odo knows what happened. Oooooh! 
• The Maquis return (and this time it’s personal) in “Blaze of Glory”. They have sent cloaked missiles to destroy Cardassia, forcing Sisko to get the traitor Eddington to help him. They wind up in a shuttle with a lot a dialogue—we get Sisko doing his OVER E-NUN-CI-A-TION bit as well. A few skirmishes in the Badlands later, they reach the missile launch site—and find the Jem’Hadar and a Maquis massacre. They find some survivors, and Eddington announces there were no missiles—just a final escape plan for his followers. In the end, Eddington sacrifices himself to save the others, but the Maquis is finished.
• There’s technobabble trouble on DS9, so it’s off to identical station “Empok Nor” for parts (a good way to reuse existing sets near the end of the season). O’Brien, Nog, Garak (remember him?), and some metaphorical red shirts enter the other station. I’ll give you two guesses on who survives. Two Cardassians on psychotropic drugs (turning them into killing machines) were left in stasis on the station, and now they’re awake. Two of the redshirts are taken out, but Garak kills one of the soldiers—and takes the drug himself to even the odds. A third red shirt is killed, then the fourth one is attacked—by Garak! The story becomes a cat-and-mouse game. O’Brien uses engineering knowhow to take out Garak, who is then purged of the drug.
• The lead up to a Trek season finale tends to be a “bottle show” (use of existing sets and characters, no special effects) in order to spend more money on the finale, and this season is no exception. “In the Cards” features Jake trying to cheer up Sisko (it appears war is imminent—aren’t they already in a war?) by purchasing an old baseball card at Quark’s auction. Of course, it doesn’t go as planned. Quark is tone deaf about the card—he misses a great opportunity to butter up Sisko. We meet a mad scientist who believes he’s cracked the secret of immortality. Senior officers let Jake walk all over them. There’s a bit about how Earth has abandoned money—while the rest of the galaxy hasn’t. Not sure how that can work. Jake ends up risking his life—all to give his dad a baseball card. Shockingly, the B-story is about a potential non-aggression pact between Bajor and the Dominion. Overall, the episode is too wacky—even for DS9.
• So, onto the season finale—“Call to Arms”. The episode switches back and forth between military drama and soap opera—we get a lot of character moments. The Dominion is massing in the Alpha Quadrant, so the Federation authorizes Sisko to mine the wormhole. Of course, no reinforcements are provided, so DS9 is on its own. Odo and Kira decide to hold off their relationship until the hostilities are over. The Dominion demands the mines be removed, so it’s war. Bajor signs the non-aggression pact after Sisko recommends they do so—the Feds can no longer guarantee their safety otherwise. Meanwhile, Rom and Leeta hold their wedding, just before she leaves as part of an evacuation of the station. Dukat arrives with a huge attack force, and he is reminded by Weyoun that the Dominion is in charge. We get to enjoy a HUGE space battle. Sisko orders that DS9 be abandoned. Dax tells Worf they will marry after the war—she’s off to the Defiant, and he’s off to a Klingon ship. The evacuation is completed, and a secret Sisko program takes out the station’s critical systems before the Cardassians board. SIsko leaves his baseball on his desk—he’ll be back. The final shot is the largest set of Federation and Klingon ships seen onscreen to to this point in Trek history, and the last using any practical (physical) models—everything after this is CGI. 

 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (and all the Trek series) is available on Netflix. 

Star Trek DS9: Season Five Rolls (Trudges?) On

Odo noir, Quark comedy, Kira drama, and Klingon battles in this batch.

• Odo deals with a dangerous dame in “A Simple Investigation”. This is yet another variant on the “Sam Spade” story—woman seduces the private investigator to get what she wants. The new angle? She has a “data port” on her neck, so she can directly interact with computer systems. She and Odo end up in a physical relationship—including some shape-shifting (ewww!) There’s a minor B-story with Bashir and a holodeck which is frankly more interesting than Odo’s story. 
• Meh—another Quark episode. “Business as Usual” has the desperate Ferengi (remember, he was drummed out of Ferengi society earlier in the season) joining the arms trade as a salesman. The actual transfer of weapons occur offsite—Quark just demonstrates holosuite versions. Steven Berkoff plays the arms kingpin—he’s mostly known for directing and acting in film. He’s also Shatnerian in his overacting here. Movie veteran Lawrence Tierney cameos as an alien regent. In the end, Quark’s conscience finally catches up with him, and he double-crosses the bad guys.
• Kira welcomes an old friend in “Ties of Blood and Water”. He’s Ghemor (Lawrence Pressman), her Cardassian quasi-father from the third season episode “Second Skin”. Unfortunately, he’s dying, and Cardassia (currently under Dominion control) wants him extradited before he can foment any opposition. Ghemor decides to tell Kira her secrets before he dies, so the Federation can use it against their enemy. The episode is all about family, and secrets, and a hospice situation—a rather touching script with impressive performances, if a bit slow.
• Again with Quark! “Ferengi Love Songs” finds Quark beset with a) Rom marrying Leeta and b) Ishka (Quark’s mom) stepping out with the Grand Nagus. Cecily Adams replaced Andrea Martin in the mother role—Martin apparently couldn’t handle the prosthetics. Even for a Ferengi-centric storyline, this is a goofy episode—it's like a Three’s Company script. Also—why would the Ferengi build their homes so people would have to crouch all the time? Makes no sense. There is a cute reference to action figures, though.
• It’s more Klingon mumbo-jumbo in “Soldiers of the Empire”. Worf joins General Martok (who was recently broken out of a Dominion prison) on a Bird-of-Prey to fight the Je’Hadar. Mindy noted that the Dominion “menace” seems to come and go, allowing silly Quark episodes to play out in the middle. Also, it seems like Worf can drop in and out of his role on DS9 whenever he wants—as can Dax, who comes along for the ride. How can two senior officers just drop out of their duties during wartime? 

 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (and all the Trek series) is available on Netflix. 

Star Trek DS9: Even More of Season Five

Maquis, a galactic battle, and holodoctors in this batch (after we took a multi-month break)--

• Starfleet security officer turned Maquis "terrorist" Michael Eddington is back in "For the Uniform". We also get a new gimmick--the "holo-communicator"--that can bring up a 3D image of the person at the other end of the line. It's like the CNN gimmick, but better. Eddington uses it to lecture Siskp after knocking out the Defiant's systems. Starfleet takes him off the Eddington case--and he's less than happy to say the least. When he gets word of another attack, Sisko takes the damaged Defiant--Nog has to act as a living message courier. Maneuvering is like NASA--everything is manual. Sisko finally plays on Eddington's dreams of being a hero by putting Maquis systems in danger--Eddington surrenders to stop him.
• It's another two-parter, starting with "In Purgatory's Shadow". A coded message from Cardassians in the Gamma Quadrant sends Garak and Worf on a reconnaissance mission--and get thrown in a prison for their trouble. They find Klingon General Martok (remember, he was replaced by a Changeling), Cardassian Enabran Tain (now close to death), and--Bashir?? Turns out he was replaced by a Changeling weeks earlier. We learn that Garak is Tain's son just before he dies--that's why Garak was so loyal to him. Meanwhile, with a Dominion attack imminent, Sisko makes plans to seal the wormhole as a last resort--but the faux-Bashir sabotages their efforts. Scenes with the various couples act as "hamburger helper" to stretch out what otherwise could have been a single episode.
• Part two, "Inferno's Light”--the Casdassian fleet arrives--and pass by the station on their way to Cardassia. Turns out they have allied with the Dominion--Dukat led the negotiations and is now the head of their government! Meanwhile, the Dominion prisoners continue their efforts to escape, while Worf is pulled into an Ultimate FIghting competition--with his life at stake. Garak has to fix some technobabble to save them, despite severe claustrophobia. The Klingon fleet shows up at DS9, with Gowron aka Barney Google leading them. Sisko gets him to agree to work together. Dukat threatens to take over the station. Faux-Bashir does everything but twirl an imaginary mustache, but continues to fool the crew. Worf manages to impress the Jem'Hadar in battle, and Garak fixes the doohickey just in time to beam them back to the runabout, so they can warn DS9 about Faux-Bashir. He's busy about to blow up Bajor's sun, but the Defiant stops him. The whole Dominion attack was a ruse, designed to concentrate all Starfleet forces in one spot and destroy it. Unfortunately, all they did was bring the Federation and the Klingon Empire back together.
• Another Trek doctor drops by in "Doctor Bashir, I Presume"--should I get my sonic screwdriver? The other doctor, Zimmerman, is the template for the holographic doctor on Voyager, already in it's third season by that time. He's dropping by DS9 to offer Bashir the role of the new template. We get some impressive shots of dual Bashirs and Zimmermen as the holodoctors are tested. Bashir, who's normally rather boastful, doesn't want Zimmerman to interview his parents as part of the process. Zimmerman ignores him, and the parents suddenly arrive on the station. Bashir has a dark secret--he's the result of illegal genetic manipulation, which enhanced his intelligence and helped to make him the brilliant doctor he is. His father, who never owned up to anything before in his life, accepts a short prison sentence in order to save Bashir's career. A rather silly episode quickly turned into a serious social commentary. There's a B-story about Leeta and Rom--they finally get together.

 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (and all the Trek series) is available on Netflix.